


Masks

by Leya



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 02:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/669475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leya/pseuds/Leya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Christmas Fic Exchange at tohma love. Filling the following request: Characters: Tohma/Mika, Tohma and Mika go on a date of some sort. It doesn't have to go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masks

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd.

The moment Eiri walked through the door, with Shuichi clinging to his arm like an oversized cuddly toy, the young woman quickly turned her back on the eye-catching pair, busying herself with a new glass of champagne and trying her best to ignore the admiring murmurs buzzing through the crowd while the other guests tried to snatch a glimpse of the famous couple.

_Why on earth had Eiri come here?_

It was the first time the novelist accompanied his lover to one of NG’s office parties and had Mika known that her brother would attend – she definitely had found herself somewhere else to be for this evening.

_But then she would have missed out on the chance of spending an evening with her husband…_

Mika swallowed the rest of the champagne and searched the room for the keyboardist. When she finally found him she was greeted with an all too familiar sight.

Tohma stood on the other side of the room, clasping the glass in his hand so firmly that his knuckles stood out clearly from under his pale skin, intently watching his brother-in-law. His attention was determinedly focused on the golden-haired author, and by the way his eyes narrowed in anger when Shuichi touched Eiri’s shoulder Mika knew, he once again was in this private little world where no-one else but Eiri seemed to matter.

From the very start Mika had known Tohma to be protective of his family. He was affectionate and kind, the perfect husband. Always paying attention and giving her the feeling to be the centre of his world. That is, at least when they were alone.

But as soon as Eiri walked into a room, Mika ceased to exist. Eiri called and Tohma left her behind without even looking back. It really hurt to be second best to her brother although it was something she was used to by now.

A deafening squeal shattered the air and Mika focused her attention back on Bad Luck’s lead-singer. Her gaze followed her brother and the pink-haired nuisance to the other side of the room where Shuichi repeated his squealed delight the moment he reached the cold buffet. The singer laughed and Eiri acted his obnoxious self but they seemed to amuse themselves splendidly nonetheless.

How on earth was Eiri able to endure this ear-piercing screams of childish delight and stupidity day after day without getting insane?

Suddenly the author smiled and stroked Shuichi's cheek with gentle movements and although the smile was not meant for her, Mika noticed how it immediately warmed up her body like ray of sun.

_What wouldn't she give for Tohma to smile at her like this just once..._

Determined to get away from this living hell, displaying all those things she desperately longed for but would never have in her whole life, Mika straightened herself, placed her emptied glass of champagne on the tray of one of the numerous waiters passing by and left without turning around.

 

\+ ~ +

 

With difficulty Mika opened the heavy iron door leading to the roof terrace of the NG building. It was the first time she came here, but up to now there had been no reason for it. Tonight, however, everything was different.

The cold night air calmed her overstrung nerves and for a short moment she did nothing else than to enjoy the silence surrounding her.

Her relief was short-lived, though. There was no escape from her feelings. She should have known that there was no way for her to ever be happy, should have known that it was useless to be at her husband's back and call when all he ever wanted was Eiri.

_But he promised..._

Tohma celebrated the fact that Nittle Graspers newest single topped the charts for exactly twenty weeks now, something he never achieved before, and when he asked her to share this wonderful moment with him for the first time in months Mika felt wanted. She had placed great hopes in this evening and when Tohma asked her to accompany him because he wanted his wife to share this special moment with him, Mika believed him. Maybe it wasn't too late for them to start over.

_A new beginning was all I ever wanted..._

He promised her a wonderful evening but again he broke his word – and like all those times before he didn't even notice it.

_I should have known something like this would happen..._

After witnessing the intimate understanding her normally cool and reserved brother displayed towards his lover the young woman couldn't stand it any longer. Suddenly the emptiness she felt for so long now took over her actions and all she could think of was to find a way out of this dead-end street her life had turned into.

Slowly Mika moved up closer to the railing and bent forward. The hard metal dug into her belly and for a short moment she contemplated to lean forward just a little more...

How would it be to rush in free fall towards the ground? Would she shout? Or would her acquired self-control wipe out every other feeling as usual?

Carefully Mika straightened herself, suddenly more than aware of her own vulnerability and let her hands rest laxly on the metal striving.

It wasn't like her to take the coward's way out. How the hell did she come up with those morbid thoughts anyway?

Annoyed about herself she turned around and tiredly closed her eyes before sliding down the railing to the ground.

She felt so terrible cold and empty inside, so abandoned and alone, and the pain that she felt made her realise that there was no need to die to actually feel dead.

Normally she easily succeeded in pretending that everything was alright but today's events had reminded her painfully of the truth. For how long had she deceived herself? How long had she believed her own lies, had told herself over and over again that everything was fine?

The reality looked different.

'You're nothing more than a stopgap to him', a cruel voice inside her reminded her again of the truth she just witnessed and suddenly Mika felt on the verge of tears.

It had hurt so much to watch her brother and his lover. While observing Eiri and Shuichi it became clear to her what was absent in her life and this knowledge hurt. Their nearness, the security and their mutual understanding were things she never even remembered existing in her marriage. From the beginning it seemed as if Tohma and her just lived side by side, both walking alone on their respective paths, never meeting because they were to self-centred to approach each other.

“Here you are.”

Startled Mika looked up and found herself eye in eye with her husband. Quickly she got up and tried her best to appear as calm and collected as always.

“Why aren't you inside? Your guests will be missing you.”

An amused smile graced Tohma's lips and the familiarity of this sight almost made her forget about the loneliness his thoughtlessness so often caused her. „My guests will be fine. They don't need me. But about you I'm not so sure.”

Mika frowned confused. „I don’t understand...“

“No?” Tohma tugged playfully at the collar of Mika's blouse. „You left in quite a hurry and I was worried. What's the matter? Are you sick?”

“Of course not. I just needed some time for me alone.”

The keyboardist opened his mouth to answer but Mika just turned her back on him, returning her attention to the bright lights of the city spread out in front of the NG building. „You should go back in. Even if they might don't need you it's still your party. You should be there.“

“Mika.”

Tohma approached her slowly. Mika heard the soft crunching noise of his steps in the thin gravel layer of the roof terrace and then his hands were on her shoulders, softly turning her around. They looked at each other and without a word he pulled Mika into the protecting warmth of an embrace.

“Tell me what's wrong? Why have you left?” Tohma finally asked in such a soft and gentle voice that Mika nearly burst into tears. It would be so easy to let him take care of her and fall back into pretending that everything was alright. But instead of giving in she just shook her head and tried to take a step back but Tohma just held on.

“It's because of Eiri. Am I right?”

Mika stilled every movement and Tohma quickly used his chance. “You cannot bear the thought that he's an important part of my life. Sometimes even more important than our marriage. Do you think I'm blind? I've seen the way you look every time he calls. You're jealous.”

„And why shouldn't I be?” Mika abruptly freed herself and took several steps back. “Tell me one reason I shouldn't be jealous. I'm nothing but a stopgap to you after all. You couldn't get him and so you took me instead. That was a cruel thing to do, Tohma. I love you but for you I will always be second best.”

She felt far too vulnerable for her liking, the previous hours too emotionally exhausting for her to bear. Nobody, not even her husband, was allowed to see how insecure and helpless she truly was.

The tears she held back for so long were running freely now and Mika impatiently wiped them away. All those things she never wanted to say... now they were out in the open and there was nothing left than to the consequences of her unintentional openness.

„Do you really think that I love Eiri more than I love you?” The shocked hurt she could hear in Tohma's voice captured her attention and although she still refused to meet his eyes, she found herself listened intently.

“You cannot be serious, Mika!”

Finally plucking up enough courage to face the truth, Mika looked up, bracing herself for the pity she surely would find in his eyes, but there was nothing... just confusion and disbelief and... _pain?_

Mika examined her husband warily and decided that it was time to put an end to this unpleasant conversation before they both said things that could never be unsaid, before the last shreds of their marriage crumbled into dust and left them with nothing.

“I love you, Mika. Please believe me.”

Tohma took a tentative step closer, carefully approaching her as if he feared for her to run away.

“I don't know how to prove my feelings to you because I already thought I did.”

Still Mika wasn't able to say something, anything. She just continued to stare at her husband, who just took another step, closing the gap between them and extending his hand to stroke the soft skin on her cheek with his fingertips.

“I won't lie to you, Mika. Protecting Eiri, being there for him... I cannot give this up. I will do everything to protect him from further harm... but... what would I be without you?”

Still not daring to believe that she had been wrong, Mika just stood there and stared into the clear green eyes of her husband.

“What on earth makes you think I married you just because Eiri turned me down? We dated before I ever knew your brother existed and when I took him to New York I did it because you asked me to. He was my responsibility back then and I failed him so terrible... I've failed _you_... and...”

Suddenly Tohma's eyes went dark with unreadable emotions, the vibrant green she loved so much turning into black holes of pain and misery.

“Had I known that I've caused you so much pain...” His voice nearly broke and Mika couldn't help but to take hold of his hand, preventing him from pulling away. “I thought you knew...”

The gentle touch of his hand against her cheek send a shiver down her spine and suddenly she was in his arms again, desperately clutching his shirt in her fingers. They were both fools, Mika thought when she saw the raw pain in Tohma's eyes. They lived in the same house but they didn't live together. They talked but neither listened. Just a few minutes before she had been so sure that her marriage was nothing more than a pretence and now...

“I love you Mika.”

Their eyes met and for the first time in months she was able to see past the mask he hid himself behind. He cared for Eiri. Always had and always would. But his love for her brother was no danger to the love he felt for her.

A happy sigh escaped her lips and she snuggled closer to him, the warmth of his embrace all the reassurance she needed.

They still had a long way to go but from now on there was just one path leading them both into a shared future.

 

END


End file.
